There is a battle in my head...

... And the good guys are losing.

I have come to the conclusion that I lack passion for virtually anything lately, except this blog and my online photo album. I'm not sure how it began, but I know when.

December 28, 2006 - the day we officially left Seabrook. I thought this would be an exciting journey moving to Foxboro, not unlike the one we made when we left for NH three years ago. A new place, a fresh start, the ability to begin the next chapter in our lives. Thing is, in hindsight, there wasn't really anything WRONG where we were. Granted, we lived on the noisiest road in the USA, were about 20 ft away from our neighbor outside on our deck who smoked like a chimney, had our room illuminated from the gas station and a big letter "M" from across the street, and had to make sure we weren't glowing from the nuclear power plant down the street. BUT, we had autonomy. Our own life - in a place where no one we no had ever been... we were pioneers - far enough away from everyone to have said we moved away but close enough to travel by car in a reasonable time frame. We were close to everything - malls, grocery stores, the main highways... We lived tax FREE in NH, and everything seemed cheaper, not just the beer and wine!

Sure, moving from there to present day Foxboro has its pros. The wife had the ability to look for work in a vastly larger area than she had in NH - and ended up with a great job. I was presented with an opportunity that gave me the additional car we needed, and more freedom to do things I couldn't do in my previous job positions. Plus, we are closer to friends and family, which I thought would be the most important thing planning our wedding.

Funny thing happened... I began to realize that I formed more of my grown up life and tighter "grown up" relationships up in NH. I also saw that living closer to family doesn't equal SEEING family more often anyway - its just an easier car ride home. This was supposed to be a stepping stone into the next chapter of my life - but I'm realizing now that I'm not sure I like the chapter thats coming up after taking a brief look forward. Its like by living in Foxboro, I am at the center of a swirling black hole - so many things pulling me down in my mind and far enough away from friends to the north AND the south that I really have lost the ability to go and see ANYONE on a whim.

So now, unsure of what I want to do or even still be when I grow up, not having the friend support system around, being indebted to loan and credit card companies for money that we are comfortably earning which is an evil twist to the past thought of making more money means having more money (what a load of crap) - I'm not sure where to go. I swear that the digital clock in my head is ticking away like an episode of "24", causing me to panic and think that everything I want and need to do needs to be accomplished immediately, all at once, which leads to a brain clog and battle to see what wants to come out first... funny thing is when that happens, I'm more inclined to give up and do nothing... not very positive in thinking but sit down and go thru what I put myself thru and you'll know what I mean....

Fortunately this occurs in waves larger than the biggest rides in the Hawaiian pipeline... some days I feel better about things than others... this is a depressing blog that rambles - but I feel better... Sorry for the "help me" "feel sorry for me" post...

I went to the mall the other day and didn't get shot at - my life is a lot better than those poor people - they're the ones to feel sorry for...

... the war rages on...